Monday, September 19, 2011

Nostalgic Notebooks

When I was in high school, one of the best things I could have ever done was keep a journal. Not just any journal, but a really detailed and timely journal. I would write in it as often as possible and even cut out pictures to glue inside. I mean, my journals were legit! Anyway, for some reason whenever it's rainy and gloomy outside, I always think about the past. Not in a "I wish I could change the past" kind of way, but more like a "it's crazy to see how much I've grown" type of thinking. It's been years since I opened these journals. For some reason, today I was inspired to flip through the pages. Back then, I thought I knew it all. Now I know I was just learning many of life's lessons. So here, just for you, are some of the best, worst, craziest times of my life. Some of my hopes, dreams, and fears. The ups and downs of love. What it feels like to be me.

*Some names will be changed, of course, to keep confidentiality. 

October 3, 2004 - "I know this boy. And he is really amazing. He's not like any other boy I've ever know. He's sweet and caring, and he seems a tiny bit shy. But I like it. And you want to know the best thing about this boy?! He kissed me tonight!"

October 8, 2004 -"Ew. *Kayla* and I are not friends anymore. I don't really think she was my real friend in the first place. At the football game tonight she was spreading rumors that *Chris* and I were making out the whole bus ride to the game. We were definitely just talking. MAYBE holding hands. But I guess holding hands equals making out now. Whatever!!!"

October 31, 2004 - "I like *Chris* a lot. We say I love you to each other. I'm pretty sure that I do love him. It's not that I have any doubts about us. I just don't want to say it, mean it, and get hurt. But I know in my heart he will never hurt me. Ever."

December 24, 2004 - "Halfway through our annual Christmas party, my mom and I went to visit Grandpa John at the nursing home. He hasn't been doing well at all. Seeing him tonight, all fragile and weak, made my heart break. These past three years have been tough for him ever since Grandma died. He must miss her so much. Imagine losing someone you've been with and loved your entire life..would life really be worth living without them?"

February 7, 2005 - "After dinner, we just cuddled. And kissed. And talked. We always talk. About everything and anything. I love being 100% honest with him and knowing that he's 100% honest with me. I'm so happy. The luckiest girl alive. *Chris* has no idea how much I care about him. I care so much that I can't even put it into words. But tonight was great. All thanks to him."

March 5, 2005 - "I'm convinced that my parents will never understand me. I will never live up to their expectations and I will never be good enough! I wonder what they'd do if I was a "bad" kid. If I didn't care about my grades or my future. If I did drugs for crying out loud! What would they think then? I wish they'd just let me grow up already instead of wanting to know every single detail about my entire life."

April 30, 2005 - "His life is coming to an end and I can't take it anymore. I know I'm quiet about it in front of my family. Like it doesn't bother me. But it does. And the saddest part is he knows exactly what's going on. His mind is so incredibly sharp. With every second that passes, he knows he's closer to dying. He even told me he wishes he could die. I tell him to get better so that he can come home. He said he would try, but he knows he'll never be coming home again. I'm so afraid of losing him. I'm afraid that when I go to Disney next week on our school band trip, he won't be here when I come back and I will never get to say goodbye."

September 10, 2005 - "My English speech is on Monday and finding four words to describe myself is hard. Especially when the only words coming to my mind are negative ones."

December 2, 2005 - "Don't forget who your real friends are. Don't laugh to hide your tears. Don't procrastinate. Don't yell at your mother before school. Don't forget your book in your locker. Don't underestimate others. Don't hold that grudge."

December 9, 2005 - "And all you can do is tell yourself not to question the good things. Just absorb them. Take them all in every chance you get. You never know when everything will just disappear..."

February 2, 2006 - "I like it when he kisses my forehead instead of my lips. And when he hugs me from behind because I never see it coming. I like it when he takes me to school because it's always nice seeing him first thing in the morning. It's been almost a year and a half and I still like every damn thing about him."

March 13, 2006 - "Although it rarely happens, I like when my dad lets me hold his car keys when I drive us places. I like to jingle them around and get a feel for what it will be like when I finally get my license and have my own car."

June 30, 2006 - "I am both a terrible person and a wonderful person. Go figure."

July 5, 2006 - "I put everything that reminds me of him into a shoe box. I taped it up. I wrote 'DO NOT OPEN' all over it. I miss him and it hasn't even been 24 hours."

July 17, 2006 - "I don't want to be all alone. I have never wanted such a thing. I fucking hate it. I hate it more than anything. I'm weak by myself. It kills me that I have no one to talk to, no one to call. No one will no longer hold my hand, hug me or tell me everything will be alright. Who will I share my hopes and dreams with now? Do I even have them anymore?"

August 18, 2006 - "I sent postcards to my friends while I was on vacation. I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them."

September 25, 2006 - "No way. I don't. I can't. It's too soon, right? I can't help it, what I feel. The past, it's over. Begin again, start new. Wait it out or make myself happy? Hold back or let it happen? Don't push, shove, annoy. Just breathe. Yes way."

December 31, 2006 - "So good-bye 2006, I don't need you anymore. It's time to cross my fingers and hope that 2007 is all that I'm expecting and then some."

Maybe I'll do another post later with the years 2007 & 2008. What do you think?

<3 oohv


  1. I loved this entry! Keep 'em comin'

  2. thanks Amanda! I will :) Definitely going to post some more journal entries from 2007 & 2008