I hope that I'm not revealing too much, but it is about time I rid myself of these thoughts. They've been in my mind, on my mind, through my mind. Crippling my sanity. Eating away at my happiness. Sometimes it's hard to see the reality in a situation because you're so caught up in what should be, what could be. The truth is an ugly thing. Why else do people hide from it so often? Cover it up. Bury it deep down inside. Just hope that no one goes searching for it. That's the master plan.
How did I expect you to act like a saint when I'm a sinner at heart? What I was doing, what I've done before.. it is wrong. But I couldn't help think that all the while you were most likely doing the same thing. Back then, you transformed me into someone I never want to be again. I know that I will never bring myself to forgive you for the things you have done. The only thing left to do is forget.
For most of my life I've had a really horrible complex about hurting people, breaking someone's heart. Especially since it happened to me. The first and only person I gave everything to was the last person to get so under my skin that I promised myself not to let anyone there again. It is really devastating to put yourself out there and get slowly ripped apart by someone you care so much for. But hey, it happens and that's just how life is. Some people bounce back from a situation like that. Others hold that grudge in their hearts for a really long time. Can you guess which person I tend to be?
In all honestly, I need to be alone. I need to figure out what I want. What I feel. What makes me happy. What I value in life. I can't have anyone influencing these decisions and this is where I always go wrong. So many times I've based my decisions off of what makes others happy or because I cared too much about what others would think of me.
I need to be selfish.
And I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
And all I keep thinking is, "What have I done?"
And I don't know if I mean this in a good way or a bad way.
I just had to get all of that out.